BEWARE THE FRIENDLY STRANGER
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[THE TERRIBLE TUO TIME CAPSULE! I'M TOO EMBARRASSED TO READ MOST OF THIS!] Oi! Well look at you there, you little snot! Thanks for COMPLETELY barging into MY HOME without knocking, or even considering that I might not be wanting visitors of ANY type. I'd come over there and smack you up proper, but I'm just so lazy. You got lucky, kiddo. Uhh, in any case, it's kind of a wreck around here. I'm sorta in the habit of putting stuff up, then walking away and forgetting about things for about a week. Watch your step. I guess you could take a look at what's already here... But ask yourself this: Why would you want to do that? Well, you're clearly still here. Either you're stupid, or you just have way, WAY too much time on your hands. Or you're Kriz, and you're both. By the way, if you see him on your way out, give him a good smack for me, would you? That twit is just asking for it. ...To get to the point, I'm just gonna say that about 98% of all petpages I see are just awful. You all think you're so special, what with your fancy pictures and traaaaaagic pasts and the gigantic piles of angst all over the place. NEWS FLASH: I hate the lot of you. YOU FILL ME WITH A HORRIBLE RAGE. We'll get to that part later. Long story short: I refuse to associate myself with that kind of a trainwreck. If all goes well, this page will not make you stick your fingers down your throat to make that sick feeling go away. Unless, of course, you're into faux-epic tales of immortality and how mean the world is and how no one will ever love you. In that case, this page will make you sick. And you deserve it. I should... probably mention that I'm really uncreative. So, unless I suddenly think of something REALLY innovative and exciting, you're stuck with the cliched material that everyone and his grandmother has on their page. Look, shuddup okay? YOU'RE the one who still isn't leaving. I don't need to entertain you, termite. VITALS To keep up with the obligatory content, here's a nice little... cheat sheet about everything that is me. Kinda like the same type of info that they'd circulate if I was a wanted criminal. ...Hahahahaha, if... Scratch that, you get what I mean, right? Ace. Have at it. Name: Trent Falkland Nickname: Tuo Age: 41 D.O.B.: July 29th, 1967 Born: Dover, England Height: 5'10 Weight: 227 lbs (steadily increasing) Build: Solid, stocky frame Hair: Auburn Eyes: Hazel Occupation: Unemployed Education: High school dropout Tattoos: Forearms (numerous), stripes (upper arms), back (abstract), stomach (abstract) Piercings: Lip, left ear (3), right ear (2) Notable scars: Prominent slash on throat Characteristic items: Dog tags, pink-tinted sunglasses, hat That's all you'll ever have to know about me. Seriously. Get lost. MORE THAN YOU NEED TO KNOW What would a petpage be without a long, rambling story about my life that no one in their right mind will read? A FAILURE, THAT'S WHAT. But uh, for numerous reasons, this'll mostly be a fragmented story about various parts of my life. Most notably, I'm freakin fourty. That's a lot of generally boring life to cover. And I should add that I've done a lot of awful things in my life, and it's probably not a good idea for me to discuss those here. Or anywhere. Ever. »THE BEGINNING
Anyway, when I was like, 14 or so, my parents divorced. My dad was stuck with Lawrence and I, and ohhhh did he ever make his dissatisfaction evident. For whatever reason, we moved to Canada. I think there was a pretty good reason, but I forget. Predictably, I was a fairly troubled child, and I got into a nice bit of trouble on a fairly consistant basis. I was finally kicked out of home when I was 16 or so. Never turned back. Far as I know, the lot of them might as well be dead by now. »ADULTHOOD
Anyway, by the time I was in my mid 20's or so, I'd picked up a lot of pretty awful habits. Predictable enough, given my crummy lifestyle and finacial situation. In my 30's, my habits shifted from awful to deplorable. Bad enough that I eventually had to flee the country to avoid some nasty jailtime. I won't go into specifics. In any case, my employment would reach a rather abrupt (and questionably permanent) end in my late 30's. At the time, I was working in a slaughter house, down on the kill floor. Some incompetent new kid apparently had only vaguely dazed the cow in question before hiking the thing up for me to gut. Before I could set to work, the stupid beast suddenly came to and started this wicked thrashing, and caught me pretty good with a hoof right to the throat. I was bleeding pretty impressively and managed to pass out before I could see to it that medical things happened. Obviously enough, I didn't die. I got out on disability, and the packaging plant ended up paying me an impressive settlement so I wouldn't sue or anything. I haven't spent a day at work since. In summary: I've done some awful things. I regret nothing. SCRAMBLES THE DEATH DEALER  Oh right, that guy's probably worth noting. Scrambles is my Barlow, and uh... well, he's depressingly fat with a flat face and a lot of extra skin, it looks like. He's the kind of animal that constantly sounds like he's having incredible difficulties breathing (think sort of a... spastic, frantic snorting sound). He's ridiculously excitable, and apparently I'm his Favourite Person Ever In The World, Ever Ever. I think he's got seperation anxiety. It's annoying. I don't really seem like an animal person, probably because I'm not. It's really a question why I've got him in the first place. I don't think I fully had my wits about me on the day he came home. But he seems to annoy the snot out of Kriz, so I haven't quite got around to getting rid of him yet. He eats a lot, too. I fed him one of Kriz's sketchbooks and Nazrio's stupid notebook. Neither of them've caught on. So uh... what else. Oh, right. I said he's excitable, yeah? Well he's got a habit of body slamming things when he gets... really excited. Like if he gets the idea that we're going for a walk, he'll give the front door a full-frontal body blow. Or if I come home from... I dunno, being somewhere else, he'll ram into my leg then topple backward onto his back. He's top-heavy. It's like watching a turtle. That uh... that's the closest thing to a trick he does. Well, that and demolishing squeaky toys. Little runt.
SOCIAL CREATURES Despite my questionably sociopathic demeanor, it'd seem that there's a few reoccuring individuals in my life, for whatever reason. Important or not, I think these folks deserve at least a moment of recognition. Or perhaps notification of who deserves to be smacked very hard. I'm looking at you, Kriz. 
What better place to start than with the biggest trainwreck? Kriz is my awful roommate and quite possibly the hardest person to live with (outside of my family). He's little more than a stupid prettyboy who always seems to have that perpetual sneer. I'm not sure if he's actually aware that he's doing it. He tends to ask the STUPIDEST questions, completely unprovoked, or just droning on about whichever ridiculous thought is floating through the empty space between his ears. I have no idea what Jaunx sees in him. Luckily, he's a dunce enough not to fall victim to any sort of joke I pull on him, such as "using his credit card" and "overdrawing his bank account". It's a real laugh riot. 
And that brings me to Jaunx. This kid can be pretty decent for the most part, mostly due to his taste in music. And for the record, I was the one who introduced him to Motorhead. Anyway, he's the kind of guy who generally just leaks testosterone, and he's pretty prone to starting a few brawls. Again, for the record, I've never let him take me down. I might be getting old, but I can still thrash anyone I'd like. He knows it. But of all my neighbours, Jaunx is closest to what I'd consider a friend. The only real flaw in his character is that not only does he put up with Kriz, but those two are inseperable. It's a real pity, too. Kriz is going to dumb him up in no time at all.
Moving back down to the unbearable end of the spectrum is the insufferable Nazrio, who needs a good kick to the teeth. This little twerp has the most infuriating superiority complex I've ever seen in a person, and a horrible sense of fashion. The little twit's always spurting some nonsense about some 'novel' he's supposedly writing, despite the fact that no one's ever seen him doing anything aside from watching TV and telling everyone else how they're inferior. This kid needs to get off his high horse before I kick him off it. Whatever. I recently fed his notebook to Scrambles as a punishment for being such a little termite. He's yet to catch on.
Kazmeo is a little buddy of mine who doesn't actually live in my building. He moved to town not too long ago, and he was in need of some friends. So I took the little guy under my wing. We pal around a lot, and he's actually a bit of fun to have around. A pretty shy little thing, though, but we're working on breaking the ice a bit easier. Unfortunately, he seems a bit uncomfortable with my bluntly crass attitude (he's surprisingly naive, poor guy), but I'm sure he'll get over that. Sorry, Kazzy. Anyway, most of the time we just hang out on the couch with a bowl of chips and a couple movies or violent video games, or he'll follow along with me on some of my ambling walks. Thrilling, I know.
Kalzov's fairly air-headed, but not in a vain and insufferable manner, like Kriz. This kid spends most of his life napping, eating other peoples' food, and watching cartoons. When I first met Kal, he barely spoke any English, so it was just a riot to listen to him talk. He's still got that accent, but he's getting better grammar-wise. He roomed with Jaunx for a little while, but recently he's moved across the hall with Vinios. Whatever works for that guy, really. He never fully has his wits about him, and it'll eventually start getting to his head. Let's just say I know that from experience. ...We'll see where that one ends up. Overall, I guess you could say the kid's not that bad. 
That brings me to Vinios. This dude is always around Kalzov. He's apparently Italian, but he can't cook like one, so he's pretty much useless. I guess Mister Fancy used to have himself a career, but his shoddy hand took care of that. Clearly he's pressed for cash, because he's living in this building. Not so fancy now, are you, college boy? He's too haughty for my tastes, and he obviously thinks he's better than me. But I still think he knows I could shatter that hand again. He usually avoids me near the mailboxes or the building lobby. If I suddenly show up, he'll cut conversation and blitz out of there. Frankly, it's probably a smart move on his part.
Okay uh, evidentally this kid is genetically related to me, though some freak accident. It's a complicated story and I probably shouldn't talk about it here. Anyway, Sticky is filled with hatred and biting, as all children should be. ...I call him Sticky because I kind of forget what his name is. I know it's something stupid... Anyway, he's usually got something sticky on his face, and it always ends up on my shirt. I'm only in charge of him on weekends, though, according to the courts. He used to totally hate me, but we're on pretty good terms now. I hate to admit, but the little cretin's grown on me over time. I'm working on not being a terrible father. Working on it, anyway.
I don't like Slick. He was a lot easier to get along with when he didn't live with us. He sleeps on my couch an average of 3 nights a week, and all his stuff is cluttering up the place. Other than that, he doesn't spend a lot of time here, except when he mopes. Which is a lot. Slick is a huge baby with a depressing lack of self esteem. Total doormat, you can do anything you want to him, and he won't retaliate. Gotta say though, he's less fun to antagonize than Kriz, probably for that reason. In any case, we tend to do relatively illegal things together, and he's pretty skilled at stealing things. Not from me, because he knows I'd break his face off. Overall, a better roommate than Kriz.
Minor roles There's a couple other folks who're prone to getting all up in my face, but on a less regular basis. Some of them are pretty decent, actually. Some of them. I gotta admit that JD is a pretty decent chap. He's got good connections, and that man knows how to party. Not to mention he's pretty cool about letting me bum a ride overseas when he goes to visit his mum. Plane tickets would bankrupt me pretty quick, so he's a real handy guy to have around. Lelm is a buddy of mine over in London. We've actually got a lot in common, if you overlook the fact that he's rich and successful. He's got some really good connections, and that club of his is fantastic. This man is just about as illegal as I am, I'm betting. Then there's those freaks from downstairs. I forget their names, so I guess they're not really that important. Thing is, they live right below us, and we can always hear yelling and crashing around, which is a real pain after a long night of partying. Overall, not a fan of them. I get a real bad vibe from the fat one. Fleur is an ugly little twerp who works for me. Nevermind what we do, we just do it. I supply, he sells, he gives me my cut, everybody's happy. I hate his hair. Uhhh... Oh right, there's Sticky's mum, I guess. I don't actually see that much of her, but I'm not complaining. I'm not a fan of her and her constant harping about child support. I'll give you the money when I GET the money. Women... Good lord... That's it, I think. I mean, there's probably more, but I don't really care. THE NEXT GENERATION 
So uh, it should come as complete shock to anyone who knows me in the slightest that I have somehow aquired a child. ...And by that I mean one of my own, not just... some child. I was informed by some broad that I share genes with this small person, and for whatever reason, she decided that I should be involved in his life. I haven't the slightest why anyone would do that, but whatever. In any case, Sticky is... Okay so I'm not sure exactly how old he is, but he's old enough to stand up and crash around the apartment for hours on end, and he can talk a little bit. He's pretty good at screaming too. Overall, we're on better terms by this point than when we initially met. I suppose we've grown on each other, much as it pains me to admit. Well, at least I like him when he's not getting all up in my things and biting my tail. He does that sometimes. Little twerp. Jaunx is usually good about helping out when the sticky monster is too much for one man to handle. It's either that or trap him under an overturned laundry basket, and I'd prefer to not resort to that again. YOU KNOW ME So you'd think a man might get a bit of privacy his his lifetime, right? Apparently not. People are always up in my business, asking me on and on about my questionable lifestyle and criminal behavior. Well, just to shut the lot of you up, here's a few of the common gripes that I get from most new people. Ask me again and I'll bite your face off. -If you're in your 40s, why do you only hang out with people under 30? Don't you have any friends your own age? -Well for one thing, I generally hate people my age. See, at this point in a man's life, you'd assume he's made something of himself. Built a family, bought a home, found a stable job, boring snot like that. When comparing myself to that rate of Doing-Something-With-Life, it gets depressing. I like surrounding myself with people who are as disappointing as myself, if not moreso. I'm lookin at you, Kriz. -Why do you room with Kriz? You obviously hate him a lot -I do hate him, thanks for noticing! And the one reason I like him is that he never takes me up on promises to 'pay him back'. I don't think I've actually paid my half of the rent in months. One good thing about the blithering idiot is that he sure is easy to take advantage of. -Are you always this mean? -Yes. Well, 98% of the time, yes. I can be decent on occasion, such as when palling around with my buddy, Kazzy. But most people? Not a chance. -You wear dogtags and an army jacket all the time. Were you in the military? -No, I stole these off some bloke. I think he might have been, though. -What's with the sunglasses? Do you ever take those off? -Light hurts my eyes. I did a lot of stupid things in my years, and now my pupils are constantly dialated. The sunglasses help me adjust, but I prefer light-tint lenses, so it's not so hard to see indoors. And they only come off when I'm KOed or in the shower. Or passed out in the shower. It happens. -What's with the tattoos/piercings? Aren't you a little old for that? -I am, actually. All my tats were done back in the day, and those things last forever. I have too many and they're too large for me to think about laser removal or whatever. Besides, I'm not made of money! Get out of my house! -Do you have a favourite tattoo? -Yeah. Horse skull on my... left arm...? I think it's left. I'll have to check. Anyway, that one's one of my first, so it's got the nostalgia factor going for it. -Are you missing teeth? What happened there? -Well, I'm missing two of my upper molars, which are just about right across from each other. Symmetry, almost. One of them started cracking right up the middle (PAINFUL, let me tell you), so I yanked out the pieces. What a mess that adventure was! The other... Hmm. The other one was a good couple years ago, so my memory's getting a bit fuzzy. All I remember is that it had something to do with a can of salmon. Oh well. -Have you ever tried losing that gut? It's unsightly. -Pffff, ain't bothering me. Sit ups is too much work, which is what I probably would need to do. That, and stuffing my gob full of chips. That ain't about to happen. -Where did you get the name Tuo, anyway? -I haven't the slightest. I guess it's just one of those names that someone flings out, and it manages to stick on you for... 20-some years. Honestly, I have no issues with being called Trent. I like my name, truth be told. It's how I introduce myself, and it's what I call myself. Everyone still knows me as Tuo, though. -Sometimes you talk normally, but other times you just sound like some cockney idiot. What gives? -I can speak like an intelligent chap, as evidenced here. Most times I just choose not to. -Have you ever considered going back to work? -From time to time. Usually only when I'm really feeling the financial squeeze. I manage to get by, but I just haven't got any idea how I could face getting back into the workforce. -How do you make money, anyway? -Mind your own business, you little twerp. FEAR AND LOATHING Hmmm, what else, what else... Oh! Right. Since everybody feels compelled to list 'likes and dislikes,' I might as well do the same, since I am absolutely a goldmine of originality. Seems strange, since I figure you idiots could figure this out yourself, but I guess reading giant blocks of text is just too much work. You make me sick. Things that are alright Food- If it hasn't sunken in yet, I'm sort of a pig. I'll eat just about anything you can feed me, but get the cheese out of here. What d'you mean, why? Skeiths have a cheese intolerance. Messes with our stomachs. You didn't know that? Well that's because you're stupid. Video games- How else do you expect me to pass the time? I can't do illegal things 24/7, you know. Takes a lot out of a man. That said, I'll play just about anything. Big fan of FPS's and adventure-type games (think silent hill, resident evil, parasite eve, etc. Those are a few of my favourites right there). Gambling- Nothing I love more than a good game of cards with a bunch of suckers. I've won and lost several fortunes in my years, and I've got a mean poker face. And let me just say right now: I do not have a gambling problem. I can quit any time I want to. I just... don't want to. Socialist literature- That's right. I like to consider myself a socialist, so I keep myself read up on the facts and ideology. What do you expect? I'm poor, get off my back. But yeah, I've got quite a collection of those sitting around here somewhere. I used to have more, but when I fled the country a few years back, I left just about all my stuff behind. Illegal activities- I'll let you figure that one out for yourself. Read between the lines. Things that fill me with rage Water- Okay, not all water. I like drinking that stuff. But uh, large bodies of water. Lakes, pools, ponds. Anything you can drown in. ...I can't swim. This gets a special notice, because drowning is one of few things I am terrified of. Just about everything else- That includes you. ARTIST'S RENDITION Oh, well isn't that nice? A little something for your mummy to hang on the refridgerator. If she likes looking at my ugly mug, anyway. If you're that interested in looking, just copy and paste the URLs in the little boxie-thing to full view. Oh, and for the record: these are in order of oldest to newest
A LITTLE PART OF ME Jeeze, no one makes skeith adoptables these days. You should all be ashamed of yourselves. Because it is a scientifically proven fact that skeiths are like ten times more awesome than your run of the mill snot-nosed lupe-vermin, or those overdone draiks/krawks. Waste of perfectly good money, if you ask me. They're all termites, the whole lot of them. Wait, what was I talking about again? ADOPTED: 
 
CUSTOMS: 
MAKEABLES: 
TOKEN OF APPRECIATION Oi! So remember how I said that pretty much every page is awful on this site, right? Well, I'm sure that there's gotta be SOME decent stuff out there. Aside from mine, anyway, you know? SO. My challenge to you: impress me. Seriously. Do it. PROVE TO ME that not everything you people barf out is awful. Right right right. So I guess I should clear myself up a bit. If your page is incomplete, the answer is no. If your page is an application, don't even bother. I'm talking about real pages, people. Use your heads. So go ahead- try to impress me. APPLICANTS WILL BE JUDGED ON: -Layout -Graphics -CONTENT -Originality -Not making me hate them THE COVETTED AWARD: 
Award winners! -Shadowliier- Unforunately gone, but still on the list for nostalgia's sake. -Montremercy, because I mean come on. It's a skeith page. Now, I'd say something like YOU SHOULD LEARN A THING OR TWO FROM THOSE PAGES, but that'd be expecting WAY too much from you little termites. You make me sick. Yeah, that's all I got. What, you expect me to sit here and entertain you all freakin day? Not a chance, I've got better things to do. No, I'm not going to tell you what! Okay you know what? Just get out of my house. Get out, I hate you.
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